I'm Sorry
by ShiroTears-and-KuroiRoses
Summary: I didn’t want to imagine what Sirius saw as he looked into my eyes. I couldn’t imagine the desolation he saw there. He seemed alarmed, then he saw the bloody knife and my arm. Shock flared through his eyes as he understood. Sirius/OC


I sat on the ground. I hadn't been able to stop him. I wasn't paying attention to how wet the ground was or how cold the rain was. My skirt was pulled on awkwardly and my shirt was buttoned incorrectly the rest of my clothes were probably in that room. I would never go back there. My shoes laid next to me; I'd grabbed them in my haste after he'd left but I hadn't worried about my tie or sweater or anything else. I was happy to have my shirt and skirt on again. I didn't have enough energy to feel hatred or anger. All I felt was emptiness; Brokenness. I felt wrong, I felt dirty. I knew no one would be able to tell I was crying; the rain mixed with my tears and washed them away. I looked down shame filling my tears. I saw something in my shoe. I reached over and pulled it out; it was a pocket knife. The same pocket knife he'd threatened me with. He must've forgotten to take it with him after placing it in my shoe. I flipped open the blade and looked at the sharp edge. I placed to sharp edge to my arm. I froze; I pulled it up my arm and let everything but the pain fade away. I watched as the crimson blood from my arm mixed with the rain. I didn't move only focused on the pain, as it subsided I pulled the blade again over my arm this time across it. The pain flared again more intense this time. When it subsided I pulled the blade again and again and again. Letting the pain block out my senses. Making sure I thought of nothing, It made me feel safe to know I was causing this pain no one else could control it only me. I stopped what was I doing? I dropped the knife but I continued to stare at the blood it was all that was real anymore, all that I could do the only thing I had left was my own pain. I heard a voice then calling my name. It sounded familiar but I couldn't' place nor could I move. I felt numb and I liked it. It was better than feeling the shame, and the guilt. I didn't move until I saw someone fall to their knees in front of me.

"Rose?" I looked up slowly; I didn't want to imagine what Sirius saw as he looked into my eyes. I couldn't imagine the desolation he saw there. He seemed alarmed then he saw the bloody knife and my arm. Shock flared through his eyes. As he understood what I had just done.

"Rose? What's going on? Are you ok?" He asked I didn't answer I just stared at him I once again could feel my tears running down my face. He looked confused at me. "Rose?" I felt the shame fall heavily on me once again and a sob escaped my throat I threw my arms around his neck ignoring the pain that shot through my arm. He seemed to tense not expecting this but then he wrapped his arms around me.

"I tried to get him off but he…he was so big….to strong…I couldn't do anything….he….Sirius you….have to believe me….I didn't want to….he wouldn't stop…wouldn't…..stop." I kept sobbing into him Sirius seemed confused I heard the other Maurders approach us from the castle.

"What did he do to you, Rose?" I shook my head I didn't want to answer this.

"He…he…." I shook my head again I couldn't force it out I couldn't say what he had done to me.

"Oh god; Rose….I'm so sorry." Understanding flashed through his eyes. I sobbed harder.

"I didn't want to Sirius; I tried to stop him." I sobbed.

"Shh…Rose it's ok I know. Shh I'm here." He whispered

"Who did this to you Rose?" I heard James ask his voice was angry and I flinched away from the anger. I knew I was dirty, but he was so mad; I'd expected anger but the furry of the words he spoke shattered my last bit of hope that they would understand. Sirius realized this and hugged me tighter.

"He's not mad at you Rose; were mad at whoever did this to you. Tell us who it was." That had never accrued to me. I'd assumed that they would blame me. I looked at him not comprehending.

"You're not mad at me?" I asked trying to choke back my sobs. He shook his head.

"No one's mad at you, love. Tell us who hurt you." He looked at me with that look in his eyes the one I'd noticed lately. The look I didn't understand, the emotion I couldn't place.

"Malfoy." A growl escaped Sirius' lips and I flinched back.

"Then you cut your arm?" He asked I didn't hear the anger I was expecting at that either. I nodded I was ashamed of that too. But it had helped. Sirius sighed then picked me up. "I'm going to get you to the hospital wing so Madam Profony can fix that arm and see if there's anything else you need. James; can you go get Professor Dumbledore or at least McGonagall." James nodded and ran off; Peter and Remus following behind him. Sirius started walking me in his arms. Normally Sirius didn't condone 'telling' on anyone; but now he wanted Malfoy dead, in jail, or at the least expelled.

"I'm sorry." I whispered again.

"Rose, you don't have to apologize no one blames you." I looked at him and noticed the blood I'd left on his shirt and neck.

"I got blood on your shirt." He looked down at me almost rolling his eyes.

"I'm not worried about it." He said shrugging it off. I realized suddenly why I kept apologizing to Sirius. I was in love with him; I didn't want him to look at me like a slut. I didn't want him to think I was dirty or unworthy. I wanted him to love me. I knew he never would. We were friends. that was it; but now I'd lost any chance I'd ever had with him. I started sobbing again.

"Shh…Rose; it's ok. I'm here I'll always be here for you no matter what." He whispered to me. I didn't feel the rain on me anymore so we must be inside; strange. I hadn't even noticed that. Sirius banged loudly into the Hospital wing and laid me down on a bed. Madam Profony came out demanding who was banging around at this hour. When she saw my tear stained face and Sirius' grave one and the blood covering me and Sirius' neck.

"What's wrong?" I tuned everything out after that I tried to make myself numb again I didn't want to feel it.

SIRIUS

I couldn't get her face out of my head when I'd found her. Her hair had been soaked and she was sitting in the lawn. When I'd said her name the eyes that had met mine…They will haunt me for the rest of my life. They were dead. There had been absolutely nothing in them. It was the scariest thing I'd ever seen. I thought I'd lost her. The blood running down her arm had been the second scariest thing I'd ever seen. My heart stopped just at the memory. I remembered the relief I'd felt when she'd thrown her arms around me. Rose was still there just broken. I'd explained to Dumbledore and Madam Profoney how I'd found her and she'd recounted everything she could to Dumbledore. I'd sat through everything and held her hand. She'd asked Dumbledore to let me stay. I was glad I didn't want to leave her. I was terrified that if I did she would break. I couldn't lose her; not now; not ever. I'd been slowly realizing over the past few weeks that I was in love with her. It didn't matter what way I turned it; she was everything I'd ever wanted. And now she was right in front of me; how could I stand to lose her now? Now she was sleeping and Dumbledore was talking quietly with McGonagall and (insert minister or something=-----). McGonagall looked over at me. I sighed this would not go well.

"Mr. Black?" ----- asked I nodded. "I have some questions for you if that's ok." I simply nodded again. I didn't have much strength left.

"You were the one to find Ms. Cray?" I nodded.

"What were you doing out of bed and out on the grounds?" He asked. I wasn't sure I liked what he was implying.

"Rose said she was going to the library and that she'd be back. We were going to hang out in the common room for a while before going to bed. But she didn't show. I wasn't worried at first Rose can get pretty caught up in her books but when Curfew came and went, I don't know. Rose normally isn't late. I figured I'd go to the library and see if she needed help carrying books. But she wasn't there, her bag was but she wasn't I ran back to the common room and told James, Peter, and Remus. We split up and searched the castle. I know how Rose loves the rain so I went to check outside and there she was."

"You do realize you broke a school rule by going to the library." I looked at him incredulously. He was kidding right?

"Yes, but Rose isn't late I wanted to make sure she was ok and I'm glad I did." My voice was edged with Anger.

"So you found her on the grounds then what?" I had already told Dumbledore, I sighed.

"I called her name when I saw her sitting there, but she didn't respond, so I ran over and dropped to my knees in front of her. She still didn't look until I said her name again. Her eyes they were….Empty. It scared me. I saw the blood on her I asked her if she was alright, and she started crying and threw her arms around me. She started saying something about how she tried to make him stop but she couldn't. I didn't get what she meant at first but then, when she couldn't tell me I understood. James, Peter, and Remus got there and James asked her who had done it to her. She told us it was Malfoy and then I picked her up and brought her here. She kept apologizing the whole time; I asked what she had to be sorry for and she stopped for a minute. Then she answered that she had gotten blood on my shirt." Sirius let out a bitter laugh.

"Mm…You and her are close?" I looked at her and nodded. I couldn't drag my eyes away at first. "How so?" I was getting angry he was annoying me now.

"She was all by herself first year. I remember her always sitting on her own. I didn't like it; someone like her shouldn't be alone. So one day I saw her reading in the hallway. I went and sat by her, we talked about quidditch and she told me that she loved the rain. We talked about a lot of stuff. After that we started talking and she became very close with me and my friends."

"What do you mean by someone like her?"

"She was different. She seemed sad and lonely. People who are sad shouldn't be alone."I answered once again my eyes were on her.

"Sirius." Dumbledor said stepping in. "I was quite hoping you would stay with her till she wakes up. I feel she'll need a friend more then anything else." I nodded.

"Thank you Sir." Dumbledor smiled and left the room the other two trailing behind him. I looked over to Rose. Even in her sleep she didn't looke at ease. I wished I could help her but there was nothing I could do. I continued to hold her hand and tried to drift off. I didn't end up getting much sleep as everytime Rose moved or so much as twitched I would wake up and check to see if she was alright. She had a few nightmares but she never woke up. The next morning I awoke to Rose trying to sit up without me noticing. She looked at me sheepishly.

"I'm sorry I woke you." She said I shook my head.

"No big deal. How are you feeling." I asked tentivly. I hadn't wanted to bother her but I had to check. She shrugged.

"I don't know; I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling right now you know?"

"Your not supposed to be feeling anything;" I moved so I was sitting crossleged on the end of her bed. "Close your eyes." I said she looked at me for a second. "Don't you trust me?" I asked.

"Yes." She said without any hesitation.

"good now close your eyes." She did. "Don't think of anything just sit here with me." She nodded slowly "Ok, now what do you feel?" She sat still for a minuete then things started pouring out.

"Anger. A lot of anger; Hatred. Saddness, filth, fear.i feel like I'm alone. I feel like its my fault. I feel…" She stopped. I looked at her.

"Rose, this isn't your fault and no one thinks it is; and your not alone. You have me, James, Remus, Peter, Lily, a lot of people are worried about you Rose." She looked at me as if she didn't believe me. "I wish I could tell you that you'll forget all about this and things will go back to normal. But truth is it's not. It will be ok, things will get better. But it'll be different and I'm sorry for that. But you have to know were here for you. Just like we've always been." I could see in her eyes she was debating. She didn't know what to do, she was scared. I gave her a small smile and she smiled back. Yes, Rose would be different but she would always be Rose and I; I would always love her.

"Thank you." She whispered. I looked up at her.

"For what?"

"you saved me."


End file.
